It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
