I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
