Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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