I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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