I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
