So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
