i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
