my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
