need another drink. this is the easiest way
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
