and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
