I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
