Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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