roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
