My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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