in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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