Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
