Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
