Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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