I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
