the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
