If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i need some magic done to my vagina
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