If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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