I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
