sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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