Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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