Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
