I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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