Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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