I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
