trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
