now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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