He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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