I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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