I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
