I wanna passion pit in your ass
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
