I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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