I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
