The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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