First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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