respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
