I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i've created a new STD.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
