Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
