So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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