Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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