Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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