He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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