I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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