I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
