I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
