I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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